Epiphany Symphony - II. Andante

II. Andante - Maturità in ritardo

nearing middle age
the perennial student
a dateless wonder

longing for oblivion
I am one with solitude

fear paralyzes
inward focus finds solace
eternally one

The medical school curriculum is such that the more you study, the more you learn about yourself - how the systems in the human body work, how we're born, how we die, and how we think. One topic that jumped out at me during our first year in Psychiatry was the Heuristic Stages of Development of Harry Stack Sullivan. In short, the stages are separated by changes in type of thinking and approach to interpersonal relationships. Each stage has an associated goal. Failure at any stage leads to isolation in later life. A summary of the stages and the goals as far as I can remember:

1. Infancy - goal: develop orientation to the world - lasts from birth until the onset of articulate speech
   
2. Childhood - goal: ? - lasts until appearance of need for playmates
3. Juvenile Era - goal: develop logic, rules of causality - lasts until
4. Preadolescence - goal: develop relationship with individual of one's own sex - lasts until interest switches over to that of the opposite sex
5. Early Adolescence - goal: dealing with feelings of lust, security
6. Late Adolescence - goal: combine friendship needs with sexual needs (I think most men struggle here)
7. Adulthood - goal: establish relationship of love with some other person. It is this relationship from which the individual will derive the most satisfaction in life.
   

When I read that, some little voice nags at me saying I tripped up somewhere. I worry that I'm too used to being single, as if incorporating another person in my life would totally mess up my schedule right now. I've achieved full equilibrium in my life, you know, balancing school with, um, sitting at home with my XBox.

Plus all these blissfully happy couples I know have been totally useless. Or perhaps you all think I'm not worthy. That's IT!!!! You know what? Screw you, too. You can keep your Valentine's Days and your anniversaries and your 'Oh, we're so happy' attitudes and your kissing under the mistletoe and oh-so-great lack of dateless New Year's Eves and...

Actually, no, I'm not bitter. My oneness is really all my fault. I recognize the fact that I'm alone due to my insurmountable ineptitude - bad timing, forgetting English on the approach, 'Smooth' is NOT my middle name, etc. - and, on top of that, given my feelings about where I spend the bulk of my time, I'm not exactly the most fun to be around nowadays. I definitely need a change of scenery. Not to mention an incredible shyness and lack of confidence - insecurities that were going to disappear by getting that oh-so-important MD/PhD degree. Come to think of it, I haven't really tried that...using the 'Hey, wanna date a honest-to-God real MD/PhD?' pick-up line. I hear it works gangbusters.

Um, go away. I'm talking to my blog. And the penguin.