Postcards from Mikey

I always thought that letter-writing was for individuals that were too caught up in themselves to realize that no one cared about their opinions. I snickered at the suggestion by my grade school teachers that we should write to the newspaper or to our elected officials. I always thought that it would be an exercise in futility - would my letter ever actually be read by the person it was addressed to? If so, wasn't my opinion destined for the circular file?

Well, all grown up now - well, at least semi-grown up if not from a maturity standpoint - I've changed my mind. I've decided that letter-writing is cool. If only because I've now become one of those self-absorbed individuals who thinks my opinion actually matters. Better yet, I find that writing these things and mailing them out is worth the time therapeutically. I wrote the following to the Education Department of the United States Government:

Please forward to Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings.

Dear Ms. Spellings

First of all, let me commend you for taking such a brave stance in the values that are taught to our nation's children. Your crusade against the children's program 'Postcards from Buster' has shown the country that there is truly a movement in the media to foster acceptance towards hateful alternative lifestyles.

Unfortunately, another piece of media propaganda has been released for public view, and there are none to be seen that will fight it. Ms. Spellings, I'm speaking of the beloved Winnie the Pooh, which has now been bastardized into a character that stands for gay propaganda. 'Pooh's Heffalump Movie' has just been released into theaters, and, while I understand that this film has not been shown on public television, I've no other recourse than to contact you, our heroic crusader, to fight this movie. Because the 'Focus on Family' organization has given its blessings to this 'family' movie (Focus on Family review here), people like you and I are alone in pointing out the evil message that is the centerpiece of the cartoon.

Let me point out the following:

1. Heffalumps have been these mysterious unseen creatures in the Pooh books. Until now. The supposed message for youngsters in this movie is one of tolerance. That Heffalumps have lived in the 'other' woods elsewhere. Only NOW are they discovered. What does this sound like to you? That's right, it sounds like COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET. That's what the GAYS DO.
2. I've attached a photo file from the movie. Look at the 'Heffalumps.' What is that on their heads? Hair? I think not. That's alternative GAY fashion. Yet another blatant hint that these creatures are cartoon representatives of the GAY community. Perhaps that gay heffalump is pictured with its gay offspring. That would be crime enough, but perhaps that smaller heffalump isn't its offspring but its younger gay LOVER! This shows how gays corrupt the youth in our society.
   
3. Where is the Heffalump on the left of the picture putting his trunk, exactly? He's sticking his proboscis up Roo's rump! And Roo is enjoying it. I'm absolutely appalled the MPAA didn't put on the 'X' rating stamp for this scene alone! THIS IS SHOWING OUR CHILDREN THAT GAY SEX IS ACCEPTABLE!
   

Ms. Spellings, please alert parents to the harm this film will do to our children. Reject this evil message of tolerance immediately.

Yours in Christ,
Michael

Perhaps this little bit of correspondence will backfire, and my likeness will be put into press as the posterboy of the anti-homosexual lifestyle crusade. Let's hope not, but I've little faith in the religious conservative's ability to appreciate sarcasm.

*******

Another reason to avoid letter-writing is the huge waste of paper. Paper is my enemy. If you look around me in lab, I'm surrounded by paper. Piles of journal articles to be read, raw data, scores of little post-it-sized notes reminding me of things to do, of experiment recipes, some rudimentary math, primer sequences, and meeting reminders. I personally must be responsible for the decimation of at least one medium-sized forest.

However, I had to write the following letter, and, I must confess, the sacrifice of the aforementioned forest was worth it for this cause:

## Xxxxx Road, Apt. ##
Brookline, MA 02446
February 15, 2005



Ellen DxXxxxx
Office of Registrar
### Albany St., A-414
Boston, MA 02118

Dear Ms. DxXxxxx,

I am currently in the graduate school portion of the MD/PhD program at BUSM. My original class was that which graduated in 2002. Please consider this letter as official notification that I will ENTHUSIASTICALLY join the 3rd year class this summer, starting in June 2005. I mean, the idea gets me so excited that I'm going to go take a cold shower right now. So GO AHEAD, BABY! TYPE IN MY NAME RIGHT NOW INTO THAT DATABASE YOU HOT MAMA OF AN ADMINISTRATOR. STROKE THOSE KEYS. HARDER! FASTER! SAY MY NAME! SAY MY NAME!

Whew! Smoke?

Sincerely,



Michael

Yeah. I think that got my point across.