Epiphany Symphony - I. Adagio

I. Adagio - Verità dolorosa

sanity fades 'way
like water off hot pavement
an unforeseen fate

I am but a slave
false prophets were my beacon
how did I not see?

I feel my life draining away. I'm going to lose it whether I work myself until burnout trying to finish by the summer, or, even worse, I'm stuck with another year of graduate school.

Each day I spend here is a reminder of how bad an idea graduate school was for me. Why did I do it? Hindsight is 20/20, but only if you're being honest with yourself. Sure, there are some positive reasons for getting the MD/PhD combined degree, which I used to justify the decision. They are the following:

1. financial aid - decreased medical tuition and financial support while pursuing the graduate degree
2. professional status - theoretically, MD/PhD's are given a small boost when applying for residencies, as pursuing the degree and investing so much time in the endeavor is indicative of how committed the individual is to academic medicine and how much better trained he or she is in the scientific method
3. scientific training - one generalization that exists is the notion that MD/PhD trainees inherently have a better aptitude for science than their MD counterparts. In truth this depends on the individual, as you might expect. MD's who decide to do science later in their careers are perfectly capable of performing good science if they choose.

Looking back, I think these were only minor factors in my decision. I think the most driving force in choosing to do the MD/PhD was ego. I used to think that getting that MD degree was finally going to give me that feeling of self-worth I'd been craving for so long. And given the opportunity for another degree on top of that...wow! Michael Liang, MD, PhD - three extra letters! Can't you just hear the reverb when you say that out loud? This guy must be smart and hard-working and dedicated and talented! My parents can finally go around and brag about me to all their friends and colleagues!

I've been in academia most of my life, and always on the bottom. Getting that combined degree was my ticket to climbing that academic ladder so I could be one of the big boys on the top rung. I drank the Academic Kool-Aid. Hard. After almost five years in the system, though, my eyes are finally wide open.

What strikes hardest is the fact that so many people from my past, while encouraging, questioned whether I was making the right career move:

• Dean S, doctoral candidate, The Pennsylvania State University, 1992: "If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have gone for my PhD."
  
• Anne G PhD, The Pennsylvania State University, 1993: "Don't do the MD/PhD."
• Chris T MD, PhD, National Cancer Institute, 1996: "If you're sure it's the right move for you...."
  
• Uncle Ron, New York, New York, 1996: "You haven't convinced me that you really want to do this. Are you sure you want to go to graduate school?"
• Alex C, Boston, MA, 1998: "I think you're crazy."
  
• Jeffrey F MD, Stoneham, MA, 1999: "You're MD/PhD??? Uh, you seem more like a clinical guy to me..."

Perhaps if I had actually listened to these people, actually listened, I wouldn't have taken this path. But perhaps I wouldn't have truly known that academia isn't for me until I took the time to jump through the hoops. But I've been unhappy in graduate school for the longest time, regardless of who I've worked for. Graduate students seem to accept the notion that they're supposed to be miserable. I now recognize that has been my brain trying to tell me that I don't belong here, short of pulling up its nervous tendrils and wrapping them around my neck to strangle me.

My choice has turned into a costly, 5-year mistake. And counting.

Plus I'm starting to notice signs of psychosis in my behavior. Talking to myself, for example. Every time I mutter something to myself, Hank the Surly Penguin gives me a funny look. I give him a fresh sardine, so he stops bothering me.