Nice Guys Finish Last - Medical Proof

An article at WebMD cites an article in The Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology associating certain personality traits with career success.

"Agreeable dispositions outranked neuroticism when it came to hindering on-the-job success."

This corroborates Geoff C's point made earlier.

Okay, from now on, it's all about ME. If it doesn't contribute to getting me outta graduate school sooner, then it's off the to-do list. No more seminars, journal clubs, last-minute experiments for grants, nothing. I'm free!

Equipment Failure

As the ranking lackey in the lab, one of my duties is to make sure all lab instrumentation is working up to speed. Recently I've been plagued by failures of various lab devices.

9.8.04 - 9.10.04: Thermo Electron Controlled Environment (colloq. incubator)

The incubator fails to display the correct carbon dioxide levels. I called the company for service 6 months ago, but, unfortunately, they only have two people servicing the entire New England and Atlantic States region. So, that leaves the servicing to me. These cells don't have a chance.

9.16.04: Stratagene Mx3000P Real-Time Polymerase Chain Reaction System (colloq. QPCR) and a PC running Microsoft Windows XP Professional Edition

Somewhere along the line (exactly 42 seconds before the end of the experiment) communications between the QPCR and the PC fail.

Cause: still unknown. So far, we've checked the network connection, cleaned out all temporary internet files, and looked for spyware, but nothing has turned up. I'm pretty sure this is somehow Bill Gates' fault.

9.15.04: Graduate advisor communication delay system (colloq. iPod)

This instrument saves the graduate student from unnecessary distractions such as annoying technicians, the air conditioning duct overhead that threatens to rattle the building down to the ground, and the country music that one of the other graduate students is playing two bays down.
Most importantly, it saves the user from the dullardry of the advisor. For example, I was treated to this gem just the other day:

Advisor: "Guess what?! They're forming a Boston Chromatin Club!!! We should register!"
Mikey (somehow containing his excitement): "Get out!"
Advisor: "No, really!"
Mikey: "No, really. Get out. Like I want to join this Übergeek Support Group. I'm trying to work here."

To avoid these discussions, the iPod is an absolute necessity. Unfortunately, earlier this week the equipment failed. Nothing that requires service from Apple, mind you - I suppose it's really a failure in the aforementioned advisor to recognize said equipment.

Honestly. The earbuds that I've driven into my ear canals with a 10-pound mallet should be enough of a signal that I'm too busy to listen to whatever anyone has to say. There are only three scenarios that are appropriate for interruption of iPod operation by the advisor. They are the following:

1. The building is on fire.
2. Hey, want lunch? My treat.
3. Guess what?! You're graduating today! Get out and never come back to the lab!

Schadenfreude, Part II

I don't think His Holiness the Dalai Lama harbors ill feelings towards anyone, even his oppressors. But this passage comes pretty darn close:

We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the law of karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them to rise towards Nirvana, rather than let them sink to lower levels of rebirth.

Okay....guess this means I need to rethink my feelings towards Dr. Fenton. Doing so would probably allow me purge myself of all this pent-up animosity I feel towards him - definitely a step I need to take to improve my mental health.

How about this:

"Dear Matthew - you're in danger of being reborn as a slime-secreting, spineless garden slug. You should stop being such a jagoff. Good luck with that."

There. I feel cleansed.

Keywords: matthew, fenton, mucosal, biology, jagoff

Dr. Matthew Fenton: Jerk. I mean, we're talking a real kneebiter.

Keywords: matthew, fenton, mucosal, biology, jagoff

Schadenfreude, Part I

I didn't want his name on this blog anywhere, but I have to admit that I dream a lot about this person. More specifically, I dream a lot about said person burning in Hell. His name? Dr. Matthew Fenton. Dr. Fenton was my first thesis advisor at Boston University. I do believe that the advisor-advisee relationship is one that comes under much strain and often leads to complete disdain by the end of it all, but Fenton took it to another level.

Among my grievances:
1. Never settling on a solid thesis project. My so-called 'thesis projects' were nothing more than red herrings. His philosophy was to just keep on doing experiments until something 'interesting' happened. My favorite quote of his: "You seem to be one of those people that like to work from a set of given hypotheses. In my experience, science doesn't work that way." Real scientist or charlatan? You decide.

2. Never trusting my work. One of the controls I did showed something 'interesting'. Hmm, instead of pursuing that 'interesting' finding, he passed it off as ineptitude on my part. Another researcher published the same result several months later in Nature.

3. Using me as his technician. Not even a glorified technician - that guy got a first-author paper. No, I was Dr. Fenton's manufacturer and supplier of plasmid constructs to other people in the signal transduction world. He gets an acknowledgement if there is a publication. I get nothing. (That's not entirely true. When I left his lab, Dr. Fenton gave me a certificate with the title 'Master of Plasmid DNA Request Fulfillment'. Printed off his very own color ink-jet. What a jagoff).

4. Micromanaging, patronizing, egomaniacal, cheap-ass SOB. Required lab members to 'check in' with him before we left for the day, and required one lab member to bring in doughnuts for lab meeting each week. If he put as much effort into my thesis project as he did in organizing the food schedule, I might have finished graduate school by now.

5. Interviewing for other positions elsewhere without informing any of his lab members. Is this why he put no thought into a valid thesis project on my part? He knew he'd be leaving and my career was therefore meaningless to him? This act ultimately proved what a self-centered jerk he is, and that nobody else's fate meant anything to him. He needs a kick in the teeth.

Last time I checked, Dr. Fenton was recruited by the Department of Pulmonary and Critical Care at the University of Maryland Medical Center, where he has been awarded with the position of Director of Research (ha!). Somehow he had convinced those poor souls that he was an expert in mucosal biology. A little Googling revealed that he had lured at least one post-doctoral candidate and one graduate student into his lab. Pray for them. And again.

(milestone)

Mark this day. September 8, 2004.

My lab notebook is fully up to date. First time since....well, a very long time.

Can Mikey keep it up? The lab notebook, that is - get your mind out of the gutter - yeah, I'm looking at you, John-boy. Anyway, stay tuned.

The ground comes up to meet me

Reality is a harsh mistress.

My cells are miserable. The cells I described in my first post are pretty much dead. I did everything I could to save them, but it was not meant to be. Perhaps I just prolonged the inevitable and merely added to their suffering. Good night, R.I.P., don't let the door hit you in the ... on the way out. Stupid cells.

My Go-To cells aren't exactly healthy either - they're just sitting there, not growing, not dying, just...sitting. What did I ever do to you guys to deserve this? I feed you, make sure you don't spend too much time wallowing in your own waste, and all I get from you is aggravation. Ungrateful wretches.

However, what scares me the most is the fact that I just make too many darn mistakes. Several mistakes this last week ended up costing me time. Mislabeling tubes, forgetting to process a certain sample in parallel with others, forgetting to turn on the rotation in the hybridization oven - this stuff sets me back hours every time. All of a sudden, a three-day experiment turns into a 4-day experiment. Time's not a luxury for many people, and if I'm going to get back into 3rd year in June 2005, I can't be booting this many experiments.

Guess I'll be working this weekend. Have a nice Labor Day.

Mikey's Contribution

A message from graduate students in the humanities and social sciences.

We hereby recognize the contribution that Mikey is making to our future thesis work. Your tribulations are succulent sources, rich fodder, for our later inane commentary on social values, the self-centered (nay, centred), and essentially exhibitionist tendencies of our generation. When the lives of bloggers are devoured by futile chat cast unto the ether, we shall reap a great harvest of papers in turn destined for dust.

Do not despair! Write on!

A Brand New Day

Today is the day that things change. All positive thinking from now on. Nothing can stop me. I'm sprinting for the finish and all else shall tremble in my wake. What happened yesterday is history - doesn't affect me in the least - the failed experiments, the 18-wheeler that almost blindsided me, the guy on the cell phone that cut me off, getting caught in Red Sox traffic, drowning my frustrations in beer and a FAT-saturated pepperoni pizza....none of that affects me because I'm Mr. Positive right now, and I FREAKIN' LOVE BOSTON.

What was that gust? That was Michael Liang blowing right by you.

Graduate student superstar!!!!

***********

Nice start. I forgot my ID when I went to the bathroom and locked myself out of lab for 10 minutes.