The Orientation Express

AWRIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS!!! EYES FRONT!!! I WANT TOTAL SILENCE FROM HERE ON OUT!!!

My heart sinks. The brochure for the residency program gave a different impression - the Swedish Bikini Team was supposed to greet us with a smile, putting leis around our heads as we enter a sunlit forest glen surrounded by palm trees somewhere in downtown Philadelphia. The room falls quickly into silence as ordered by the Drill Sergeant Chief Resident. The room is well cooled on this ninety-plus degree day, but you can see beads of sweat form on the foreheads of most of the incoming interns.

YOU!!! WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE???
About three weeks ago?
WHAT!?!?!
About three weeks ago, Sir!?!
ARE YOU ASKING ME???
About Three Weeks Ago. Sir!!!
WELL!!! YOUR THREE WEEKS OF FEELING IMPORTANT ARE OVER!!! I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU GRADUATED THE TOP OF YOUR CLASS!!! FROM NOW ON, YOU ARE INTERNS!!! YOU ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW!!! BUT I GOT GOOD NEWS!!! WE DON'T DISCRIMINATE ON THE BASIS OF RACE, COLOR, OR CREED --- YOU'RE ALL EQUALLY WORTHLESS!!!

His eyes narrow.


YOU!!! WHY ARE YOU TWITCHING???
Can I go to the bathroom?
YES!!! YOU SEE THAT STYROFOAM CUP??? FROM NOW ON, THAT'S YOUR BATHROOM, DOCTOR TINKLEBELL!!!!

ANY OTHER REQUESTS!?!?!

The rest of orientation went by with nary a peep. They covered so many invigorating topics, such as Joint Commission Regulations, Stress Management, Health Information Management, Compliance Issues, Medical/Legal Issues, Autopsy Procedures, Resuscitation Orders, Adverse Drug Reactions, and Sleep Deprivation.

I do my part to fight sleep deprivation by dozing off several times during orientation.

First official day tomorrow. Mood: Slightly panicky.