Mikey's Thesis Committee Meeting: A Synopsis in Three Acts (Cliff's Notes Version)

I. Inferno

It doesn't matter if it is good.
It only matters if it Rocks.
The main thing that we do is to Rock your socks off.
- Rock Your Socks Off, Tenacious D

Scene 1. In Mikey's office, late night.

I wasn't too happy with the report that I sent my committee members last week, as it was hastily put together at the last minute, and, in my opinion, some of the sloppiest writing I've ever done. So, I stayed up late (again) to polish my Powerpoint slides for the committee, hoping that my presentation will wow them out of their seats. As I'm looking over the pieces of data that I've put in the presentation, I get this knot in my stomach, and this voice saying, "That's ALL?! You've worked on this project for 2+ years and that's all you've got to show for it???"

Alas, I think those thoughts plague most graduate students trying to finish up their thesis work. I think I have solid speaking skills, and above average BSing skills - I wasn't captain of the debate team for nothing. I look over my slides a second time to burn the transition phrases in my mind, and head to bed for a good night's sleep.

Scene 2. The Conference Room

Ten minutes until showtime, and I'm hastily setting up the room for the meeting: laying out the snacks and drinks (fruit salad and spring water - my committee gets to eat healthy at my meetings), setting up my laptop and connecting it to the projector, shooing any lunch stragglers out of the room. Funny. I'm still not feeling nervous (nor am I throwing up in the bathroom, as a certain sarcastic penguin would have you believe).
The committee members file in. Greg, Barb, Cyrus, Jackie, then Wellington. Jackie, the committee chair, smiles at me as she walks in and remarks, "You're report is outstanding. So much better than your first one." Cyrus agrees with her. I laugh to myself inside, in disbelief, because that document was such a mediocre effort. A good omen? Perhaps. The cynic in me believes she's playing games with me already, lulling me into a false sense of security.

At last, Jackie says,"You're up."

Scene 3. The Presentation

I begin the presentation. I won't bore you with the specifics of my project, only to say lies in the realm of molecular biology. I explain my findings, propose a couple more experiments that will tie up loose ends, and answer their questions, calmly and as completely as I can. The committee members are helpful with their comments, their questions are asked out of genuine curiosity rather than just to see how far they can push me before I'm stumped. I feel confident that I did a good job.

The presentation ends. Jackie wraps up by asking me about my timeline. I tell the committee that I'm back in medical school at the end of June. They agree that for me to finish up with any more experiments, to write the thesis, then defend the thesis...3 months is not much time. But they accept it, and everyone just wants to see me succeed and get back into medical school. I want to give my committee a hug.

Jackie says,"Okay, please step outside while the committee talks about you behind your back."

End Act I

II. Purgatorio (The Downward Spiral)

And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away ha haaa
- They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa, Napoleon XIV

Scene. Mikey sitting alone outside the Conference Room

This time that the thesis committee uses to discuss the student and kick him or her out to reflect on what just happened the last 2 hours can be a difficult one. They're usually in there discussing quality of the presentation, the student's work ethic, and what else the student needs to do to fulfill their expectations. Meanwhile the student sits outside waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

It's always a dangerous time for me when I'm sitting alone with my thoughts. I began this interlude rather confident, but then my mind starts to play tricks on me. Paranoid thoughts start trickling in - I imagine nightmare scenarios in which the committee proposes more experiments that would keep me in graduate school beyond June, effectively keeping me out of medical school another year. I can take criticism of my presentation and my experiments (especially because my committee has been nothing but constructive and supportive), but moving on with my life is of the highest priority here.

The negative thoughts just keep pouring in as I ponder another year in graduate school:

my car's starting to fall apart I hate having to fight for laundry machine time with 30 other apartments in my building when am I going to get a place of my own with a lawn and my own washer and dryer I'm not getting dates I'm getting too old I haven't been to the gym in months my pants feel tight I'm eating like a pig I hear laughing in there is my committee laughing at me? Ohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohno

Just as the negative thoughts crescendo into a massive din, the door opens and Jackie says, "Come on in."

End Act II

III. Paradiso

Theme music: "The Great Gates of Kiev," from Pictures at an Exhibition, by Modest Mussorgsky

Scene 1. The Conference Room

As soon as I walk into the conference room, Jackie is putting on her coat and rushing out. "I have to leave I have another meeting, listen to whatever the other members tell you" as she bolts out of the room. Hank laughs: "She's escaping before you go all postal on the committee."

I calmly sit in my chair. The remaining members look to Barb to break the news to me. And then Barb utters the following words, that every graduate student should hear:

"We want you to put down your pipet"

She said something after that, but the bells and the heavenly choir that just appeared keep me from hearing it all.

"...put down your pipet...put down your pipet...put down your pipet..."

No more experiments. Just start writing. A couple recommendations regarding my presentation. Cyrus: "You do a disservice to yourself with the way you're presenting your data. By your explanations, we know that you can make a stronger case for your finding, which is a unique one. Just do that and you'll be fine." Wellington concurs. Barb says that we should talk at some point to make some deadlines. I just hear echoes:

"...put down your pipet...put down your pipet...put down your pipet..."

Wellington and Cyrus say 'Good job' and leave. Barb exits. I slowly clean up the room, just trying to figure out what just happened.

Scene 2. Next day, in the lab

I got in today about noon. I woke up with a hangover, having had drinks with Heather and Bracken the night before. Great friends that put up with my annoyingly giddy state.

I'm raring to go. Barb and I marked down deadlines for me to write this thesis over the course of the next 3 months. I'm going to try to beat that - her schedule doesn't leave me any room for a vacation before I start my first clerkship, and it certainly doesn't leave me any wiggle room so I can shadow a clinician so I can get back into the swing of things in the clinical world.

But that's a minor point right now. The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky, and life is good. Barb's working in lab, she's asking me tons of questions about protocols, and I don't mind one bit. We're making small talk, and I'm even laughing at her jokes. Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

End

Epilogue

Thanks to everyone who's been following so far and offered me encouragement and support all this time. I'm certainly not finished yet, but I wouldn't have made it this far without you.