Mikey's Committee Meeting - Keys to the Match

Hi,

Hank here. Only hours before the meeting, and Mikey's a little busy in the bathroom (offering the technicolor yawn as tribute to the porcelain god, heh heh), so I thought I'd sneak onto his precious little laptop and write an update of my own. Allow me to provide a little pre-committee meeting analysis.

Mikey needs to perform well so he can get on with his life. If he gets out this year, he may still have roughly 2½ years of earnings before he hits retirement.

The Committee has a vested interest in not letting him go too easily. As you can plainly see by reading through his blog, Mikey has developed quite the Attitude Problem, and it's starting to show in all aspects of his grad student life. Don't think that the faculty haven't noticed, so they wouldn't mind laying some smack down on this GEEK to set an example.

For Mikey to win this match, he needs:

1. To show breadth and depth of knowledge of his area of research (or, at the very least, fake it effectively),
2. To start off with a good joke - everyone loves a killer 'Knock, Knock' joke,
   
3. To present all data in classic 'NIH Grant' format, whatever that means (supposedly it means presenting hypothesis → results → conclusions, but what do I know?),
4. To get all committee members to eat one of his marijuana brownies,
5. To learn how to beg and grovel,
6. Learning how to evoke a tear would be useful.
   
7. Three words: Deus ex machina

For the Committee to win this match, they need:

1. To psyche Mike out - during the presentation, DO NOT: smile, nod, laugh at his jokes, or give any other signs of approval.
   
2. DO: mutter to other committee members, cough intermittently, roll eyes, snore - LOUDLY.
   
3. DO NOT: compliment his choice of refreshment.
4. DO: interrupt his presentation at every slide.
5. DO NOT: let the Question & Answer session last for any less than 90 minutes.
6. DO: propose at least 10 more experiments, at least three of which will take another 18 months to optimize.
7. DO NOT: give in to any amount of begging/pleading/crying.
   
8. DO: apply the following two words to Mikey's life: Raptus regaliter

Well, game time is this afternoon at 2pm. My money's on the Committee, at 30:1 odds, with Mikey spending the rest of his days at the lab bench, a broken shell of a...geek.

Check for an update later, time and date to be determined, depending on the severity of Mikey's hangover.

Now buzz off,
Hank