All-Nighter

I have this sick feeling in my stomach - I think it's guilt. I've given myself weeks to write this committee report and I only made headway 24 hours AFTER the deadline I gave myself. I holed myself up for quite a long time in my apartment, and I did anything and everything I could to avoid working on this - washing dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, brushing and flossing my teeth, polishing furniture, backing up my hard drive, cleaning up my hard drive, defragging my hard drive, adding stupid little graphics to this blog - ANYTHING.

Finally, I begin making progress, at the cost of a night's sleep. My behavior has been so utterly stupid, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

I used to be good at this stuff. Putting together facts and figures, building an argument to illustrate a point, and I loved it. Now I just stare at the screen and my mind is blank. I should have been motivated to do this - doing this to the best of my ability is my ticket to finishing graduate school, but I couldn't do it. What the hell? I'm behaving like someone with Attention Deficit Disorder. Everyone else seems to go to work and get their stuff done. Me, my mind wanders here and there, daydreaming like Walter Mitty. I keep yelling at myself to grow up and just get it done, but it doesn't happen.

I'm terrified at the way I'm functioning.

I'm going to the opera tonight to see The Flying Dutchman. It's Wagner - it had better be loud...