Advisor Arithmetic

I think one bonus of this blog will be to chronicle general advisor behavior. Today, I'd like to discuss the concept of graduate student work hours, 'real' versus 'as perceived by the advisor. ' Ask any graduate student, and they'll most likely tell you that they work (at minimum) 12-hour days, 7 days of the week. We can put that to rest - graduate students work hard, yes, but it's not like you're working for eternity - it only feels like it, because, if you're like me, you take it home with you.

Perhaps more important is how much the advisor thinks the student is actually working. This could be a very complex calculation, subtracting time for various non-working activities:

Perceived working time = Total time at school - (time spent): at lab meeting, journal clubs, seminars, eating lunch, or surfing the internet.

An easier equation follows:

Perceived working time = cumulative time advisor actually sees student at lab bench.

So, everytime your advisor steps out of the office and passes by the bench, add 10 seconds of perceived work time to your total. Time in the tissue culture hood DOES NOT COUNT.

There are several bonuses and penalties that must be considered. For example:

• Positive data: 20 minute bonus
• Negative data: 1 week penalty - add a week to your expected date of graduation
• Advisor sees you reading a paper: 30 minute bonus
• Advisor sees ESPN.com on your computer screen: 1 hour penalty
• Student arrives in lab before advisor: sorry, no bonus. Get over yourself.
• Student leaves for the night before advisor: 3 hour penalty.

Sample calculation for 1 week: Let's assume I arrive in lab at 8 AM and leave at 6 PM. That's a 10-hour workday, good for 50 hours a week. Seminars and journal clubs cost me about 3 hours a week. Lab meeting another hour. Lunch, 5 hours for the week. Non-lab internet surfing, 30 hours. Okay, now let's look at the bonuses - nothing there. I had four experiments last week that produced absolutely nothing, and my advisor leaves at 7 PM everyday. Crap - I owe Barb 8 hours of work.

I'm never going to graduate.