Rehearsal, Part II
Woke up late this morning. I've got this plan to get back onto the exercise wagon, and it just hasn't happened. I'm more of a morning exercise person, as motivation to get to the gym decreases as the day goes on whether it's because of mental fatigue or the dread of fighting the evening gym crowd. Anyway, once I throw that plan away (again), I realize that I am really freaking nervous. I've got no appetite, but force down a cup of coffee. Ten minutes later, I'm both nervous and jittery. This does not feel good.
I incorporated more of John and Dr. R's suggestions into my slides, then went into school to rehearse the presentation with Barb this time. This second rehearsal was a little more smooth, and Barb's feedback was amazing. First things she recommended were some techniques to help me relax. She talked about visualization and some help breathing techniques before I actually say anything tomorrow. I never realized it until now, but Barb has a stake in my performance, too. I am, after all, an example of her ability to mentor younger people. Barb is generally pleased with my presentation, and points out things she liked in addition to slides that need some work. Her final piece of advice is to go home and read my Biochemistry textbook. Uh oh. I threw that thing away two weeks ago. I kept my undergraduate Biochem textbook and haven't used it in a decade. Now I'm supposed to read it? Argh. Apparently one of my committee members likes to ask the 'basic' science questions. Like 'draw this amino acid' or 'name the steps in forming the transcription initiation complex'. Blah.
The presentation felt good for the most part - there were a couple slides that got a little rough, but I can work those kinks out. I didn't feel as detached from the presentation as I did yesterday, so no "voices" in my head this time. Still, I'm pretty close to freaking out.
Why am I panicking? Hmm...let's lie down on the couch and think about this:
I incorporated more of John and Dr. R's suggestions into my slides, then went into school to rehearse the presentation with Barb this time. This second rehearsal was a little more smooth, and Barb's feedback was amazing. First things she recommended were some techniques to help me relax. She talked about visualization and some help breathing techniques before I actually say anything tomorrow. I never realized it until now, but Barb has a stake in my performance, too. I am, after all, an example of her ability to mentor younger people. Barb is generally pleased with my presentation, and points out things she liked in addition to slides that need some work. Her final piece of advice is to go home and read my Biochemistry textbook. Uh oh. I threw that thing away two weeks ago. I kept my undergraduate Biochem textbook and haven't used it in a decade. Now I'm supposed to read it? Argh. Apparently one of my committee members likes to ask the 'basic' science questions. Like 'draw this amino acid' or 'name the steps in forming the transcription initiation complex'. Blah.
The presentation felt good for the most part - there were a couple slides that got a little rough, but I can work those kinks out. I didn't feel as detached from the presentation as I did yesterday, so no "voices" in my head this time. Still, I'm pretty close to freaking out.
Why am I panicking? Hmm...let's lie down on the couch and think about this:
- Well, it could be just simple fear of failure. Is it likely that I'm going to fail? Um, I don't think so. In fact, I'd be the first that I'd know of. So perhaps there's that fear of being the precedent-setting first ever candidate to fail on the eve of his dissertation defense.
- I've always carried this feeling in the back of my mind that I'm an impostor, that I don't belong in graduate school, and I've been faking it all the way through. Yes, I know that's a little irrational thinking, but I know many other graduate students who have felt this way. There are several checkpoints in graduate education that enable the faculty to weed out the competent from the incompetent. Coursework would be one. The qualifying exam is one. The dissertation defense is the last. I have this picture of the oral defense being held in a dark room. My committee peels off this outer layer that is me and AHA! discovers this faker underneath.
- I looked in my closet and have just now realized that I have nothing appropriate to wear to my defense tomorrow.
- I can't come up with a '4'. I'm freaking out, can't you tell??? I need to go and rehearse some more and then read every single paper I ever referenced in my thesis.
- People like to relax me by saying that the PhD candidate knows more about his or her area of research than anyone else in the room. I don't. I'm an impostor. Sigh.
posted by Mikey at 6:27 PM
1 Comments:
Good luck Mike.
Barb taking the unusual step of actually sitting in on your seminar rehersal is yes, a pretty big clue that she wants you to look good.
Everyone is nervous defending a thesis, yes? And at least where you are, the actual defense part after the seminar is closed-doors.
Another bit of advice: try to look like you're enjoying yourself. You like research. You are pleased to share your findings with people who are asking questions, not to evaluate you, but simply because they are interested in your work. Questions you do not have direct answers for should be acknowledged as interesting questions, for which your lack of a direct answer may be summarily dismissed in favour of the interesting discussion of points nearer to your memory, with specific citation of authors and relevant papers. Consider that some of these questions will be asked without a med-school-type "correct answer" in mind, and may not even have answers, but are asked rather to see how you think on your feet.
Very few people have the confidence to show an mpeg of themselves lighting a fart on fire, but then, few have 5 papers in 5 years either. Extremely few.
Give yourself a break and get it over with already!
-Lia.
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