Toxicity

Let me say right off that I've enjoyed my surgery clerkship. However, I now know full well that surgery is not for me, because I don't like the person that I've become the last 4½ weeks. My entire team is chronically sleep-deprived, and the cracks are beginning to show. Time is not a luxury, as you can tell by how often I've updated the last few weeks.

I'm spending an average of 85 hours per week in the hospital. We arrive a the hospital at 4:30 am, and often don't get to leave until 7 pm. I spend one waking hour at home before my body crashes, starting this cycle all over again the next day. Things that were normal behaviors for me take too much energy now. I'm smiling less and zoning out more (the lunch guy yelled at me to pay attention the other day). We don't laugh anymore, when a simple smirk would suffice. Jokes and simple 'Good mornings' aren't spoken anymore - it's a waste of energy. That little bit of energy might help me make it through to evening rounds.

I have little tolerance for anything that wastes my time. That nurse interrupting me when I'm trying to interview a patient at 4:45 am? I can't take it and walk out, surprising the nurse, the patient, and myself. I rationalize the move by telling myself that her presence would have doubled the length of the interview. Having to stand and watch a 5-hour surgery while being ignored and doing nothing else but breathing and taking up space? That's five hours I could have spent studying or sleeping. The secretary that hid the stapler from me because some other student-like-looking person didn't return it yesterday? I found her freaking stapler and returned it to her with much attitude. One more day of this crap.

Nope - surgery isn't for me.